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Struggling with expat life?
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Managing anger, anxiety or depression
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Preventing burn-out
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Finding balance through mid-life
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“Our relationship is in crisis”
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Lost the good connection to your partner?
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Couple therapy — When is it too late?
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Counselling — Why me?
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FAQ on couple therapy
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What should I expect from counselling?
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Areas where I can help
Struggling with expat life?
Living abroad, despite the many good opportunities, can be a tough challenge. Differences between the host culture and our own culture, homesickness, the distance to our familiar social network, or families can sometimes lead to great inner conflicts and put a strain on our everyday life and relationships with our fellow human beings. Together we try to find a way, that helps you, individually, to deal with these challenges.
How does EFT benefits your Expat lifestyle?
Das Interview gibt es auch in
der Deutschen
Version.
Other topics
Managing anger, anxiety or depression
Learning to understand and steer feelings. (Photo by Nik
Shuliahin)
Together we look at the causes of these feelings, learn to understand them and steer them in a more helpful and productive direction. You will get to know yourself better and learn to better assess your potential and resources and thus be able to lead a happier life.
See also my blog articles:
Is this just anger, or already aggression and violence?
How to deal with annoying thoughts and feelings constructively?
Other topics
Preventing burn-out
When the energy runs out it's time to reflect and change. (Photo by Verne
Ho)
Sometimes we know in advance that our energy reserve is getting smaller and think “but I'll just manage that” or “next week I'm off work and then I'll rest” but then something comes up. Then we think, well “I'll manage that too, but then...” And at some point, your energy is completely gone, and you can't do anything anymore. That can be a frightening feeling and you always think that this only happens to others, but not to you. Whether you are already in a burn-out or still at the start of one, I am happy to help you find your way out of the labyrinth.
A visit to a therapist is not a sign of weakness of which you should be ashamed of. Rather, it is a sign of courage, self-acknowledgement, and the drive to want to change something in your life. In peaceful and in a safe environment, I will be happy to help you look for another way.
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Finding balance in the mid-life crisis
Sometimes, mid-life comes unexpected and rocks our life.
Sometimes, many changes occur during the mid-life period, or apparently nothing changes at all. The children leave home, you may no longer feel as fulfilled or you feel stuck in your job. Well-packed old boxes with unnoticed and unpleasant experiences are no longer as easy to ignore as they were years ago.
It may now be time to look for new potential within yourself that you were not aware of before. The mid-life crisis can be taken as a great opportunity that leads into a more fulfilling life. Even though you may now be facing a huge mountain and have lost sight of the bigger picture. I am here to help so that we can find the best way forward for yourself.
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Couple therapy — When is it too late?
Living in a relationship which is in stress takes a lot of energy.
Picture this: a couple walks into my practice, its their first session. Hardly a few minutes into the conversation it becomes clear that one of the two is using the session to break-up. What a sad situation!
Their relationship had been under stress for quite a while. They didn’t manage to listen to each other. Maybe, there were endless fights, or equally worrying they withdrew themselves from the relationship and had hardly anything to say to one another.
Maybe one of the two had made an attempt to talk things over and suggested to seek for advice but the other partner didn’t see the benefit. Sometimes we feel so helpless, that we can't imagine someone else could show us the way out. In fact getting out of a spiralling negative cycle is difficult and can be done best with help from a counsellor.
The earlier you seek advice the higher the chances of recovering the bond. When you sense your relationship has lost the positive feeling, reach out to your partner before it is too late. There are many ways of infusing new air into the connection, but we need the two of you. Therefore don't wait until it is too late.
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Have you lost your way together?
Relationship stress? (Photo by Thomas
Kinto)
It is sad and frustrating and very painful to see what happened to what was once a beautiful romantic relationship, when you have lost the positive connection to each other.
Everyday your life seems to only be filled with frustration and stress and you no longer know how to communicate with your partner. Every attempt to get on the same page only leads to more conflict. You may no longer be able to hear your partner because of a long journey of frustration and helplessness. Or arguments arise immediately when you need to agree on small things. You may realise how you are caught in a dynamic of witquestionawal and pursuit, and you no longer know how to stop it.
I am a trained couple therapist and supervisor and offer my support to help couples find their way back to each other. I have been working with international and multicultural couples for almost 10 years, helping them get to know themselves and their partner better. I also help couples to develop a better understanding of each other, so that they can have a stronger and more satisfying partnership as a new team.
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What to expect?
It is quite normal to feel overwhelmed while looking for the right therapist to work with. A good therapist fulfils the role of a listener, conversation partner or motivator.
Social chemistry, competence and experience are equally important. In order to understand your situation time and a quiet and safe environment are essential. In my experience, already two or three sessions give a first good insight into the next steps.
I would like to introduce myself and my working methods through these pages and help you find the right setup.
Sessions/Fees
After we have arranged an appointment by phone or email you receive a confirmation by email.
Individual session — 50 minutes — €110
Couples session — 70 minutes — €185
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“Our relationship is in crisis”
Living with a partner can, occasionally, lead to seemingly unsolvable challenges.
Couples often wait a long time before seeking external help. Sometimes the fear of making things worse, insecurities and perhaps even shame keep people from asking for help.
"We can deal with that alone!"
To me, it makes a lot of sense that the hurdles are high. It is sad when couples ask for help too late. For one thing, their ordeal is quite long, and some wounds in the partnership may be very deep. Is it hard to find your way back to each other after arguments? One way out of this dilemma can be to explore with a couple’s therapist, in a safe environment, where you can meet as a couple again. My job as a therapist is to provide a safe environment to help you create a constructive basis for communication. With the help of couples therapy, we work together to find a way in which you can harmonise better with each other again and get out of the negative cycle of interaction. If a couple can reconnect on an emotional level, they can develop an understanding for each other again, build trust and grow together. The basis of communication is strengthened, and you learn to be there for each other properly again, which can be a great relief.
We most certainly need both of you to work on this project successfully. However, it is not a bad thing if the motivation is different at the beginning or if hopelessness takes up a lot of space. I have plenty of experience with such different points of view.
I would like to encourage you to contact me, even if you still have the feeling that you can "still" manage on your own. I would like to create a safe space for you, in which you can hear each other better. Together we look at your destructive patterns and look for a more constructive way to share.
The only reason therapy might not be successful is if one or both partners are no longer interested in the relationship.
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Is couple therapy the right way for us?
Emotions are the music in our relationship dance — EFT therapy can get a disonant melody back in track.
I am a trained couple therapist and supervisor and offer my support to help couples find their way back to each other. I have been working with international and multicultural couples for almost 10 years, helping them get to know themselves and their partner better. I also help couples to develop a better understanding of each other, so that they can have a stronger and more satisfying partnership as a new team.
Why Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT)?
The Emotional Focused Approach to couples therapy has been proven successful through decades of research. It is based on the knowledge that we, as humans, need a connection with each other to feel secure and safe. The pandemic, in particular, is now showing us how difficult it is for us to keep our distance from each other. But a romantic relationship is even more complicated.
Emotions are the music in our relationship dance. EFT therapy is based on insights into the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. It is now believed that we have found our partner for emotional reasons. A good emotional connection gives us safety and security and allows us to relax and feel like we can conquer the world. If this emotional connection is lost, for whatever reason, anger, fear, stress, insecurity, and pain can develop and the partner is seen more as an enemy with whom everything is more complicated. When the relationship is under stress, the partners no longer hear each other properly and can end up in a proverbial war zone. This is frustrating and unhealthy for both parties involved.
Questions?
I have summarised here some frequently asked questions.
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Why should you consider seeing a therapist?
Feeling overwhelmed or would like to reflect on choices?. (Photo by Victoria
Heath)
Does your life seem to have gone off track? Is it perhaps time to choose a different path? Do you feel stuck at times or do you have difficulties in your closer interpersonal relationships? Somehow, you get caught in the same frustrating behavioral patterns, again and again? Do you maybe feel anxious, depressed, lacking energy and dissatisfied? Maybe your self-confidence is a bit battered. Perhaps it is time to get more clarity or a change with the help of a professional.
Do you feel the need to talk to someone in peace and in a safe environment? If you have the feeling that the path you have chosen is not getting you anywhere, that you keep ending up in the same dead end, I would be happy to help you find another way.
A visit to a therapist is not a sign of weakness of which one needs to be ashamed. Rather, it is a sign of courage, self-acknowledgement, and the drive to develop further.
What happens in therapy?
During the therapy process I support you in recognising your destructive behavioral patterns and help find new, more suitable ways for you to deal with challenges in life. I like to create a safe, pleasant atmosphere for you to talk, where you can discover and develop your full potential, so that you can regain your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Our aim is for you to get to know yourself better, to better assess your potential and resources, and thus to lead a more satisfied and happier life.
Am I the right therapist for you?
It is sometimes overwhelming to find a suitable therapist. Who/what is the best solution for me? That alone takes energy, which is sometimes difficult to muster. My advice is to let your gut feeling guide you in your search, because you need to feel that you are in good hands with this person. Chemistry, competence, and experience are as important as feeling safe, and only you can determine that. Solving problems usually takes time. In my experience, after two or three sessions you will have a good feeling of what a common basis for our work can look like. As a therapist, I fulfil the role of listener, discussion partner, dumping ground, motivator, and companion.
I would like to introduce myself and my way of working on these pages and make it easier for you to choose a suitable therapist. I would like to encourage you to start your search with a critical eye and a lot of gut instinct and I am happy to accompany you on this path.
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How I can help you
I have worked as Emotionally Focused (EFT) couple therapist over the last 10 years. With this experience I have come to understand what works and what doesn't.
Online sessions are a good setup, especially when both partners are located in different locations.
In my practice I have worked extensibly with multi-cultural couples or individuals who live away from their country of origin. Topics such as integration in a different culture and society, life without a familiar support, etc. are one of specialities.
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Areas where I can help
In psychology there is no one "right" way or "the" bad behaviour. We have developed our behaviours from our own life experiences. Sometimes a certain behaviour is no longer helpful. This can then lead us into helplessness, anxiety, depression, etc. The clients I have been working with, for the past 10 years, face situations like the following:
- Finding balance in an expatriate life
- Getting a grip on anxiety, panic or depression
- Preventing burn-out
- Relationship crisis and couple therapy
- Anger problems and communication issues
- Finding balance during the mid-life crisis
- Low self-esteem/ self confidence
- Grief and bereavement
I would be glad to help you further in your decision-making process or give you some encouragement and dispel your doubts a little. If you decide that it is time to work on yourself, I am happy to help you on your journey.
“…What progress, you ask, I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself…”
Hecato, Greek philosopher (Patricia Demierre-Berberat, 2012)
What is mindfulness and where does it come from?
Knowing what is in your mind helps you strengthen positive emotions.
There is a lot of talk nowadays, in the general public and media, about “mindfulness”. However, it is actually not a new age phenomenon but “mindfulness” has been around for a very long time.
Mindfulness is an awareness that arises through paying attention in the present moment without judgment and on purpose. Mindfulness is about knowing what is on your mind, according to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the leading authority on the matter. It is a technic to feel more in control of your emotional world. You learn more to act instead of reacting.
Recently mindfulness has become more prominent, especially because more research has been done on the subject in recent years and it has been proven that mindfulness has positive effects on your mental balance and it has greatly benefited psychotherapy.
Do I have to be religious or spiritual to use mindfulness?
Mindfulness has its origins in the Buddhist teachings, but you do not have to be religious or spiritual to practice mindfulness. It is a tool that can help you to live your life in the present and find mental balance in stressful situations.
With regular training, you can strengthen positive emotions and therefore help to decrease negative ones. Which in turn has a positive impact on reducing depressed or angry feelings. With breathing techniques and observing your thoughts, mindfulness has found a way to teach people to live more effectively in the present moment. This is especially important when you find it hard to cope and your self-esteem is at a low. Perhaps try to start with only one conscious inbreath and outbreath.
I myself went through a mindfulness training with Jon Kabat-Zinn. Furthermore, in a difficult time in my life, I experienced myself how beneficial and calming it can be to live your life in the present moment. It does require regular training, it is like going to the gym and training your body, only here you train your mind. Many successful people, like F1 world champion Nico Rosberg, actress Jennifer Aniston or singer/songwriter Paul McCartney who lead high stress lives have been utilising mindfulness in their daily lives.
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Frequently asked questions about couple therapy
It is understandable that, before couples take the plunge into couples therapy, they deal with questions and doubts. Here are a few frequently asked questions that may help you clear up some of your questions and doubts, and why it may be right to opt for Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).
Most of my clients (individuals or couples) have a background as expats. In addition to that most of the couples have an intercultural background in their relationship and live in a foreign country. All these factors can cause extra stress for the individual or the relationship with the partner or family. The individual or couple struggle with questions such as: How much do we need to integrate into the culture of the host country? How do I define my own identity as a parent in a foreign country? An additive factor can also be when you are raising children. You can ask yourself: What are my own values, which I want to pass on to my children?
Will the therapist judge me and take sides?
No!
The opposite is true. A well-trained emotion-focused couple therapist will recognise that both partners contribute to the relationship stress. My job, as a therapist, is to help both partners recognise the impact they have on their partner and thus the dynamics of their relationship.
Isn't our situation hopeless already?
Even longstanding relationship problems can be resolved with the help EFT therapy. The intensity of anger, stress and frustration in a relationship does not determine if the relationship can improve. As long as there is a desire on both sides to work on the relationship, there is hope and it is possible to grow together. EFT reaches its limits when one or both partners are no longer willing to invest emotionally into the relationship.
Isn't emotion-focused couple therapy a waste of time and does it actually work?
Emotion-focused couple therapy is the only therapeutic approach that has been researched through many studies. And over the past 30 years it has been further developed based on the research results. Continuing research shows that the improvement in relationships is long-lasting. EFT is one of the few couple therapies, recognised by the American Psychological Association (APA). As a trained EFT therapist/supervisor, I work with a kind of roadmap to develop an understanding of the couple’s relationship. This script is one of the foundations that helps the couples in the distressing process
If we talk about our difficulties/problems from the past, doesn't it add stress to our relationship?
Many couples have learned, from past experiences, that talking about their problems only made things worse. Which is why it makes sense that you have concerns about discussing your difficulties. The concern makes sense in my opinion.
My goal as a therapist is to be able to create a safe space for you, as a couple. Giving you a basis for discussing problems more productively. I want to help you understand what has gone wrong in your relationship and guide you in repairing past hurts. As long as both partners are willing to hear and understand each other, there is still hope for you to build a fulfilling relationship together.
Can it happen that the therapist recommends a separation?
It is not my place as a therapist to make such recommendations. It is the responsibility of the individual partners to decide for themselves how much they want to invest in the existing relationship. You indicate whether you still want to invest into the relationship or when it is enough for you.
Isn't it more advisable to go to individual therapy before we start as a couple?
If we start with individual therapy first, it is more difficult to bring in the partner(s) afterwards, because I have already established a connection with one party. As a couple therapist, I need to be neutral in order to do the best possible work for both of them. Therefore, it makes sense to start together. I can offer you to take a session or two on your own to talk about initial difficulties.
Successful couple therapy can alleviate or even cure many symptoms that affect individuals, such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress. These positive effects develop from safer, successful communication in a good relationship. Once a good basis for communication is established again, the stress of the individual is reduced, in both partners, and that may help heal the symptoms.
Sometimes it can still be helpful to seek additional support in individual therapy. However, couples therapy may be the right way to start.
Some of this content was published on the ICEEFT listserv by Ruth Jampol, see also my blog article on the subject
Other Questions?
Lovie (EFT School of Love) offers tools and
information that can support you in having happy and healthy relationships.
And I am always more then happy to help with any additional questions you may have.
Angelika Matthias
ICEEFT Certified Supervisor (www.iceeft.com)
Tel +31 6 5322 6964
Email: Angelika Matthias
Coaching and supervision for therapists
I offer supervision for therapists who want to work with the Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) approach. I am ICEEFT certified supervisor and offer individual supervision for therapists.
One way to deepen your experience as an EFT therapist is individual supervision. In addition to training, supervision sessions are a mandatory part of the certification process to become a certified EFT Therapist.
Individual supervision is one way to deepen your experience as an EFT Couples Therapist. During the session we can discuss cases together or you can show videos of your session which we will then review together.
Being a Parent
Being a parent can be among the most beautiful, but also most challenging experiences in the lives of couples and individuals. As we move as parents through different phases in life, the relationship between partners is challenged in a variety of ways.
Here are some of the most common challenges couples may face in their role as parents.
Becoming parents: sleep deprivation, exhaustion, lack of time as a couple, emotional and financial strain, differing parenting goals and social isolation.
Parenting young children: balancing work and family life, managing household responsibilities, dealing with the demands of young children, and finding time for self-care and relaxation.
Parenting teenagers: navigating the challenges of adolescence, setting boundaries and rules, dealing with peer pressure, and supporting teenagers through emotional and social changes.
Empty nest syndrome: adjusting to life after children leave home, rediscovering individual interests and goals, and redefining the relationship as a couple.
It is important for couples to be aware of the challenges that can come with parenthood. Open communication, mutual understanding and a willingness to work together to find solutions are crucial to strengthening the relationship. During this time, couples therapy can provide valuable support to deepen the bond and work through the challenges together.
You are not alone, it is normal to have difficulties and it is okay to seek help to maintain a healthy and loving partnership and to build a healthy family system.
I´m here to help and will be happy to support you if you are stuck in your parent life, either on your own or as a couple.
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My professional background
Angelika Matthias, Counsellor
I am a Psychological Counsellor (born 1964), who lives in The Hague. I completed my Master of Community/Clinical Counselling at the Webster University in Leiden.
I am also a certified therapist and supervisor according to the Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy approach from the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT).
I am a member of ICEEFT and the EFT Community Deutschland e. V. (eft-paartherapie.de).
I am registered as a psychotherapist with NIP (Nederlands Instituut voor Psychologen) and follow the ethical rules and guidelines Ethical Framework for Good Practice in Counselling & Psychotherapy of NIP. Through ongoing intervision and supervision I keep up-todate on new developments.
In addition to my private practice I worked in 2010/2012 at Lighthouse The Hague (International School for Children with Special Needs).
During my training as a psychotherapist I was involved in the project of Leiden University in collaboration with Yale Child Study Center "Minding the Baby". The aim of this project was to support the focus of a secure emotional bond between young mothers and their newborn babies.
I studied business administration in Germany and lived and worked in different cities such as Stuttgart, Leipzig, Hamburg and London before coming to The Hague. Therefore, I have my own experiences of what it is like to live in a different culture and to build up a social and professional network again and again.
I offer counselling and psychotherapy for individuals and couples in English and German.
Collaborations
Praxis
Hildegard Schlageter, Tübingen
Miguel Albrecht,
Leadership Mentor and Coach (inspiratree)
Zoé Albrecht,
Holistic Life Coach
My personal background
In Germany, prior to deciding on becoming a counsellor, I completed my studies in economics. Before I moved to The Hague I lived in Stuttgart, Leipzig, Hamburg and London. One of my scientific research projects at the University Hamburg was dedicated to the topic: “What challenges are expat partners faced with when living abroad?” Counselling for expats is one of the focal areas of my work as a counsellor.
Due to several moves, I have personal experience on what Expat life really looks like. My family and I have found a second home in The Hague now. I have two grown up children. I love the beach —actually at “almost” any weather. In my spare time, I like to do yoga, meditate, hiking and I like to read.
Angelika Matthias, Counsellor
ICEEFT Certified Therapist for individuals and couples (www.iceeft.com)
Benoordenhoutseweg 21 /Unit 1.07,
2596 BA Den Haag (show
map)
Tel +31 6 5322 6964
Email: Angelika Matthias
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Sessions/Fees
After we have arranged an appointment by phone or email you receive a confirmation by email.
Individual session — 50 minutes — €110
Couples session — 70 minutes — €185
Cancellation policy and Missed Sessions
Once an appointment has been booked, I will need at least 48 hours notice, if you decide to cancel the session, otherwise the full fee will be charged.
Privacy policy
This website does not track any personal data. We don't use cookies.
Professional network
Team member of the EFT Center Hannover
Dutch healthcare system/Memberships
Vektis Zorgverlener GENEZERS 9021, AGB-code: 90-049948
Vektis Praktijk, AGB-code: 90-58319
Chamber of Commerce registration number (KvK-nummer): 53306198
Member of NIP (Nederlandse Instituut van Psychologen) Number: 228218 www.psynip.nl/en/
Member of EFT-Paartherapie Deutschland (www.eft-paartherapie.de)
Member of ICCEFT, (www.iceeft.com)
Member of ACCESS Counselling
Services Network
Therapeutic Online Counselling
Online sessions via Zoom.
Directly within the comfort of your private environment
I offer online therapeutic counselling for couples and individuals. During online sessions we discuss the same things we would discuss in a session on site.
When is online therapy the right choice for me?
For example:
- If because of the corona crisis you are concerned about going unnecessarily out of the house and would rather stay in your familiar surroundings.
- If you would like to work according to the emotionally focused therapy approach, but there is no therapist with this specialization in your area.
- If you are on the road a lot and have little opportunity to find a therapist near you.
- If you want to save yourself the effort of travelling to the therapist’s practice.
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