How to deal with annoying thoughts and feelings constructively?

When was the last time that you felt an emotion which you didn't particularly like?

You might find it a bit tricky to answer this question because you don't tend to feel many intense feelings…

For me, this can happen almost every day. For example, when I'm reading or listening to the news at the moment, or in my job when I postpone a deadline. Furthermore, when I have to talk to people in a difficult relationship, or when I have to give a presentation. I can feel all sorts of things, like worry, nervousness, fear, shame, regret, insecurity. Sometimes I feel all of these at once. I wish I could just run away from it, but that doesn't usually work. It's not just me who feels this way, research shows that when we don't want to feel pain, it can actually make it worse. Especially emotional discomfort. Our brains then focus on the problem or feeling even more. If we don't want to feel insecure, our thoughts keep going around and analysing why we feel so insecure right now, and we can end up blaming ourselves and being hard on ourselves. This makes the feeling take over more and more. If we try to say to ourselves that we can't eat the delicious chocolate cake in the fridge, then it becomes more and more tempting and we can hardly resist having another slice. Even Adam and Eve were not able to resist the temptation of 'that one' apple tree. So what can we do?

Of course, it's also a really good and valuable survival instinct if we can avoid strong feelings and emotions for a little while. Firefighters, doctors, and all those amazing people who work with danger need a strategy to focus and push fear aside or not feel it to do their jobs.

Animals, for example, avoid danger. They do this by avoiding their predators or other dangers. But there's a difference between avoiding a real danger, like eating poisonous mushrooms and suppressing thoughts and feelings in me for a long time. The latter is much harder to understand.

It can work well to suppress feelings for a while, but it's not easy. It's like pushing a ball under water. At first, it can feel really good and even feel proud of ourselves for managing it so well. But if we push too hard for too long, we might get tired, and the feelings might come back with much more energy. This can sometimes come out as a panic attack, outbursts of anger, or even as a biting remark to those around us, even though we're trying to keep it together. Some people try to compensate with tranquillisers, excessive sport, alcohol, excessive shopping, excessive eating, gaming, workaholism, etc. It's so easy to find ways to distract ourselves these days. But these things don't really get rid of, do they?

Sometimes, we might just start avoiding things because they make us feel scared or uncomfortable. Moreover, it can push us to avoid social situations and challenges at all. Social anxiety and panic attacks might develop as a result, and we can end up in a prison of avoidance and isolation. Therefore, when we run away from our feelings, it just makes things worse.

Do you recognise yourself in this? I was exactly there a few years ago when money worries and fears about life made me feel totally stuck. I was on the floor, crying and felt like I couldn't move anymore. But the world didn't end! I was already a therapist myself at the time and I found a kind colleague who helped me face my scary feelings. I slowly but surely regained my confidence in my abilities. Now, when I feel scared or in pain, I have my tools. I can stay with those feelings but in a different way.

I “just” sit with them and ask myself where they are in my body. I feel inside myself without judging myself or my feelings. I'm open to the little voice in my head, the one that's been whispering to me since way back. Sometimes, unexplained fears have their origins buried deep in the past. When I allow myself to feel these feelings, I learn to understand them better. My past is a part of me, and I'm learning to be at peace with it. By embracing my feelings now, I have the chance to find healing for what I've been through in the past. However, if I don't do it and fill it up with other things, I´ll miss this opportunity, and I can slip into a spiral of avoidance. The result is that I can be overwhelmed by inexplicable anger, frustration, fear or sadness. It's not fun being overwhelmed by your feelings in public, is it?

When I allow myself to feel and experience these feelings and thoughts in a safe environment, they can feel like a gentle, flowing river passing through me. They come and go, and that's okay. They don't stick around. If we give them a little space, they lose their scary part and even disappear all by themselves. This is what people are referring to when they talk about mindfulness and acceptance.

The same goes for feelings of happiness. We can't hold on to them either, don´t we? If we try, they will slip away even more.

But you know what? Just accepting things can be tricky as well. It can also lead to a feeling of helplessness and a state of shock/freezing, which is what happened to me at that time. I had understood acceptance as to bear and not as to accept. Bearing can sometimes make us feel helpless/stuck or even feel frightened or like we can't do anything about it. Acceptance has a different dynamic. When I accept, I can approach the feeling or emotion and look at it like my own researcher. I'm curious about where the feeling is located, if it has a colour, if it changes over time, or if it evokes a memory?

We need patience for ourselves. If you'd like to walk this path with me, please get in touch.

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